# Living for Someone Else's Addiction: Six Signs of Codependency Psychological help may be needed not only by the person with alcohol dependency but also by their relatives. Gradually, the entire life of the family begins to depend on the mood, actions, and state of the drinking person. Psychologist Svetlana Vindorf noted in an interview with the publication "Doctor Peter" that alcoholism is often referred to as a family disease. According to her, the loved ones of the dependent may experience intense emotional tension and gradually lose the ability to live their own lives. Codependency cannot be determined by a single isolated act. However, a combination of several characteristic signs is a reason to pay attention to one's own state and seek professional support. ## 1. Overprotection and Constant Control A codependent person takes on the responsibility for the life of an adult relative: solving their problems, giving money, justifying them to others, and trying to prevent the consequences of their actions. Life gradually turns into continuous monitoring: whether the loved one has been drinking, where they are, what they have done, and whether others have noticed it. Constant attempts to control the situation increase anxiety. Such help can have the opposite effect. If relatives regularly remove the consequences of alcohol consumption, the dependent person is given the opportunity to ignore the seriousness of the problem and postpone treatment. ## 2. Neglecting One's Own Needs Work, rest, health, hobbies, and socializing gradually take a back seat. A person directs all their energy to saving their loved one and stops noticing their own fatigue. Prolonged stress can lead to sleep disturbances, anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and deterioration of physical well-being. It can also exacerbate existing health issues. The habit of constantly putting another person first is sometimes perceived as an expression of love. However, care should not require a complete abandonment of one's own life. ## 3. Suppression of Emotions The loved ones of the dependent often forbid themselves to feel anger, hurt, fear, or disappointment. They feel that their own feelings do not matter in the face of a more serious problem. Unexpressed emotions accumulate, and constant internal tension leads to exhaustion. A person may stop understanding what they want and what they truly feel. Suppressing feelings does not make the family situation calmer. On the contrary, tension often breaks out in sudden conflicts, after which feelings of shame and regret arise. ## 4. Constant Guilt and Shame A codependent relative may feel guilty for the loved one starting to drink. A wife thinks she was not a good enough partner, while a mother believes she made mistakes in raising her child. An illusion arises that the dependent can be changed with the right words, good behavior, care, money, or a cozy home. When these efforts do not yield results, helplessness turns into anger and resentment. This creates emotional swings: a person first accuses and yells, then feels shame, and afterward rushes to save. As a result, loneliness and burnout intensify. ## 5. Demonstrating False Well-Being Some families try to hide the dependency from others at all costs. They come up with explanations, justify their loved one to colleagues and acquaintances, and conceal arrests, debts, conflicts, and other consequences of alcohol consumption. Behind the facade of well-being, serious problems may remain—from constant quarrels to psychological or physical aggression. Fear of judgment also hinders seeking help from an addiction specialist or psychologist. While the family tries to convince others that everything is fine, the dependent person remains untreated, and the tension continues to grow. ## 6. The “Rescuer Syndrome” In codependency, love can gradually be replaced by pity, control, and the desire to feel indispensable. It is important for a person not just to help their loved one but to constantly remain the one without whom they supposedly cannot cope. Sometimes, after successful treatment of the dependent, the relationship unexpectedly deteriorates. The former "rescuer" loses their usual role and does not understand how to build life in new conditions. In some cases, a relative may unconsciously provoke a relapse or expect it to feel needed again. For the same reason, some people after ending one difficult relationship choose a partner with dependency again. ## What Can Be Done It is important to remember that a relative cannot cure a dependent person instead of them. One can offer help, set boundaries, and support the decision to seek a specialist, but it is impossible to fully control the actions of another adult. When signs of codependency are present, it is recommended to consult a psychologist or psychotherapist experienced in working with dependencies. Help can also be obtained in family counseling and support groups for relatives of dependents. If there are threats or physical violence in the family, personal safety must come first. In such a situation, it is necessary to contact emergency services or an organization that assists victims. Codependency often masquerades as care and selflessness but gradually deprives a person of their own interests, strength, and sense of security. Supporting a loved one does not mean taking responsibility for their entire life. Acknowledging the problem and seeking help can be the first step toward recovery not only for the dependent but for the entire family.
