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These questions are regularly addressed to psychologists. There are many articles on this topic: from radical to soft philosophical ones, asserting that children owe us nothing, as we invited them into this world and bear responsibility for them for life... However, it is important not only to base our views on philosophical beliefs but also to understand what kind of person your child is. My knowledge of the "birth matrix," or perinatal matrix, helps me with this. What is it? The birth matrix is the understanding of how the process of birth affects a person. It is the first experience we receive when entering this world. This experience forms the so-called "primary memory," which governs our perception of the world and the deep motives of our actions. Other aspects: upbringing, socialization, personal experience overlay this foundation and can either align with the basic setup or conflict with it, creating internal contradictions and a feeling of "I am not living my own life." There are four matrices corresponding to four stages of birth. One of them always turns out to be the most significant and defines the matrix. The First Matrix The worldview is "I am a child of this world, and the whole world exists only for me." The basic state is egocentrism. This is the one who is the first to say in a group, "I want to go there!" and everyone meekly follows him, because otherwise, they will have to listen to his whining all evening. They do not understand the word "no," have no sense of proportion, master the art of asking and begging from birth, and have an ingrained sense of "I can have everything." These are the children who, after begging for a toy, before even reaching the checkout, grab the next one from the shelf and plead for it, and when refused, fall to the floor and scream at the top of their lungs. They can easily identify which of their parents or relatives has more energy or money and know how to ingratiate themselves. They are not interested in hearing about your difficulties; "I want" is their only argument. They know how to press on feelings of guilt, evoke pity and tenderness. They enjoy being the center of attention, are confident in themselves and their talents, love to teach, expressing judgments at a kindergarten level, easily endure criticism, and care little about how they are actually treated. Give them what they want, and everything will be fine. How to Deal with Them As the years go by, the "little one's" appetites grow, so it is necessary to teach them the word "no" from an early age and to notice other people's boundaries. And be sure: even if you think you are keeping your First Matrix on bread and water, in reality, compared to other children, you are spoiling them. Just "ones" know how to instill a sense of guilt in everyone around: "you do nothing for me." You will have to work on your feelings (guilt, pity, duty), otherwise, you will not notice how you become dependent on your child. The Second Matrix The worldview is that of a "paradise expelled" teenager, with a basic state of awkwardness and discomfort from simply existing. This is the most difficult age - adolescence. "Twos" live their whole lives with a sense of deep unworthiness, which manifests in their ability to deny themselves and a feeling of discomfort for what they have. It may seem that there will be no problems with such a child. He begins requests with the words: "Mom, please tell me, do we have any money?" or just looks sadly at the shop window and remains silent. But one day you will notice that even the little you give him, he tries to share with friends, and they seem to take advantage of it. Then you will find out that your child is being marginalized, he did not receive the mandatory gift from school, on excursions he always sits in the back row of the bus, and the prize at the contest was given to someone else, although he deserved it. It’s just that the other child is from a "difficult family," and yours... is simply not worth pitying. No matter how much he reads psychology books, little changes in his behavior. The girl is almost destined to end up with a freeloader, and the boy has every chance of growing up to be a "doormat." How to Deal with Them Should you help them? Yes! But first, make sure that your help does not leak away, that your child does not confuse helpfulness, buying love, and kindness. In "twos," you need to cultivate healthy selfishness and a sense of proportion in helping and participating in the fates of others. Also, know that they truly feel other people's pain, so a stray kitten brought in from the street must be kept in the house. The Third Matrix The worldview is that of an adult, with a basic state that everything can be achieved, earned, done, or negotiated. With "threes," there are usually no problems in material terms. From childhood, they are thrifty, ask reasonably, and even try to earn pocket money, for example, by doing household chores. They do not need to be bought; they need to be given opportunities. A 14-year-old can easily be employed at a pizzeria - he won’t let you down. The truth is that all children are different; some strive for independence from an early age, while others show clear intentions to rely on their parents until retirement. They are "in it for the feed," so it is necessary to invest in good education for the "three." However, it is not worth showering them with gifts for no reason. They will take them, but they will not respect you more. The "three" is the classic type of successful businessman-entrepreneur. If you show weakness, they will take advantage: "nothing personal," "the end justifies the means," and "to each his own." How to Deal with Them Their success is ensured by connections and the ability to maintain them easily (unlike "twos," for whom asking is like putting your hand in the fire), so from an early age, take your child into adult company and introduce them to the right people. They will observe, learn, and remember. Adults also take the Third Matrix seriously. Never deny a "three" what contributes to their development: sports, tutors, trips. But demand results. Teach them to pay attention to details, to people, to nuances; otherwise, in old age, you will have everything, but you will see your child, at best, once a year. The Fourth Matrix The worldview is that of an "unappreciated genius," who is very dependent on their environment. If they are accepted, they will be a harmonious type; if not, they may retreat into their shell and stay there for life. The basic state is to be in their often imaginary world. This is the most complex and unmanifested type, with a multitude of manifestations. Of all the matrices, they have the highest chances of remaining dependent on their parents into old age, but not because they are selfish, but because they are not very attached to material things. They often possess genius, which they absolutely do not want to develop and "sell." The fourth type is like "Umyka the bear cub, searching for his mother," but not the one who gets up every morning to make breakfast and iron shirts, but rather - "their person." How to Deal with Them From childhood, they need something special, the very best, but - according to their personal criteria. They can walk in torn sneakers but "sell their soul" for the first album of their favorite musician, sleep on a mattress but save money for climbing Kilimanjaro - this is exactly about "fours." They often find themselves in solitude because they have too many demands on their surroundings and cannot exist in standard conditions, in a regular job. If you can do something for them while they are small, teach them to express their needs adequately, to relate requests to possibilities, not to take offense at people's misunderstandings, but to explain what is happening to them. In other words - help them adapt to life; otherwise, it will be very difficult for both them and you. Elena Shubina, karmic and body-oriented psychologist.
